The italic part in parentheses is the subtitle that appears when they say something as kind of a translation into what they're really thinking.
Oprah: Today we are pleased to welcome Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to the show.
(Hillary walks in)
(They hug reluctantly, clearly not thrilled)
Hillary: I'm very happy to be here!
(They made me do it.)
Oprah: So, how does it feel to have lost the nomination to Senator Obama?
(Haha, you suck.)
Hillary: Well, I just think it would be a shame if he was elected, then assassinated before he could be inaugurated.
(Do you know where I could hire a hitman?)
Oprah: So what are you going to do with your time now?
(Time for the retirement home.)
Hillary: Actually I'm really looking forward to spending some time at home and being with Bill.
(Guess why, Bill, you son of a b****.)
Oprah: Are you planning on helping with Senator Obama's campaign now?
(He has a better chance without you.)
Hillary: I will, because even though we have been rivals, I really have nothing but respect for Senator Obama.
(No f-ing way.)
Oprah: Also, I think everyone's been wondering, what do you really think of Senator McCain?
(Feel free to screw up the answer and embarass yourself, old lady.)
Hillary: Although I don't agree with some of his ideals, I have tremendous respect for Senator McCain also.
(Are you kidding? He's a moron.)
Oprah: You know, I was really expecting you to be one of those politicians who waffles all the questions, but you're very open and honest.
(I started drinking when I found out you were going to be on the show, so I'm not even listening to you.)
Hillary: Well thank you!
(I can see the bottle behing your chair.)
Oprah: Not that I wasn't thrilled when I heard you'd be on the show, of course!
(They never would have done this to Letterman.)
Anyway, do you ever plan to give up the dream of becoming president?
(Please don't. I enjoy seeing you embarass yourself, knowing it will never happen.)
Hillary: Well as much fun as this has been, I'll know when it's time to step down.
Oprah: Now, I'm sorry to say that as great as it's been having you on the show, we're out of time.
Hillary: Well, it was great to be here.
(If she's there when I get home, Bill, I'm going to tell everyone about your fake man-parts.)
Oprah: It was great to see you, Senator Clinton.
Hillary: It was great to see you too.
Oprah: (to audience) If you look under your seats, you'll find a 'Hillary for 2008' T-shirt and a Sharpie brand permanent marker so that you can write in '12' or '16'.
Tune in next week when singer Beyonce will appear on the show!
(Or Obama? PLEASE!?!)