Edward's Secret Identity

Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Bella: What a stupid lamb.

Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion. (pause) So, hey, you've read the Harry Potter series, right?

Bella: Uh... yeah.

Edward: Seen all the movies?

Bella: Yeah, I have.

Edward: So, that Harry guy... you think you could, like, seduce him?

Bella: Ew, why?

Edward: Just asking. (shifty eyes)

Bella: Seriously, why?

Edward: Well, you know that Cho girl?

Bella: Yes.

Edward: She's not enough to distract him! He's too strong. But you... you could help me.

Bella: First of all, it's just a book; they're not even real. And second, why do you even care?

Edward: Well we’re from a book too, so why shouldn’t they be real?

Bella: What?! We’re in a book? But you’re perfect and shiny, how can that not be real?

Edward: Uh . . . anyway, (he pulls out a wand and writes the words ‘Edward cullen’, then destroys them and writes ‘I am Lord Voldemort’)

Bella: (eyes wide in shock) But. . .no, it’s not true!

(Lili Von Shtupp from Blazing Saddles runs in)

Lili: It's twue! It's twue, it's twue!

Edward: (seducingly) Hello, miss Lili . . .

(she knees him you know where and disappears)

Bella: What! You would choose her over me?

Edward: No, but . . . uh . . . well, she’s . . .Germanic!

Bella: Right. So, anyway.  Voldemort, huh?

Edward: Yep. so, wanna seduce Harry?

Bella: Not really, no.  You know, I really can’t picture you as Voldemort.  You’re too hot.

Edward: Well thank you.  The costume department in the movies really does a fantastic job with the Voldemort thing.  But, if you’ll notice, in the books it never actually says that I’m not sexy.

Bella: Ew.

Edward: How are you not turned on by this?

Bella: Have you seen yourself in that costume? (pause) You know, this will disappoint a lot of fangirls.

Fangirls: We still love you, Edward! this will only make our imaginary relationship stronger!

Bella: Hey, back off!

Edward: I’m sorry girls, but my heart belongs to Bellatrix. Uh, I mean Bella.

Bella: I thought she was married!

Edward: Yeah, but it’s not like he can really do anything about it.

Bella: You are such a perv.

Edward: But I’m shiny! (she runs away) Wait, I’m shiny, pale, and hot!

Bella: (calls to him) I knew you were too good to be true!

Fangirls: Well, we still love you, Edward!

Edward: That’s Voldemort to you. Look, I have to get back to trying to kill Harry Potter. Can we do this later?

Fangirls: Sure . . . (Edward disappears) OMIGOD, he’s so hot!. . .